sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
