The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
