I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
false alarm, still single
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