Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
did i walk over a car last night?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
