Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
