So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
