Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
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i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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