After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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