Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
