I'm really into asian looking animals
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
