Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You have to summon your inner elephant
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
