I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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