i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
