Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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