Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
