It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
