She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You pole danced in your parka.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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