he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
