i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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