It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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