I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
