Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
