I need to stop coming to work sober
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
