dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
