meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
