I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
