she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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