i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
