On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize