Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
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