my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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