If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
