I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
