I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
