He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
