I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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