We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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