i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
