shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
