I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
