My hand turned me down
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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