My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
