when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish i was in the wii world.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She bit a glass in half.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He? As in you personified your dick?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
