where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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