She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
