He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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