Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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