bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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