Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
