I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
