just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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