why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
