my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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