I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
