if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
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