Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
