i need an iv and a liver transplant
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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